Well, I don't know how interesting everyone will find this, but I want to talk for a minute about willpower. It's something I was talking about with a friend of mine last night and she's a little amazed by my willpower. Let me tell you what I mean.
When I made the decision to lose weight, I set out a bunch of rules for myself and the amount of "infractions" I could let myself have. I allow myself basically two infractions a week, which I generally reserve for the weekends. But, on the whole, I'm eating a lot less, I've almost completely cut caffeine out of my diet, I'm eating better and I'm eating smarter. On top of all of that, I'm starting to try and get a little bit of a workout every few days. I may take up jogging or something soon, if I'm not fencing enough to get a good workout there. Since Joe and Lara's wedding, I've lost almost 30 pounds and it's starting to show. And it's not easy, controlling every moment of every day, watching what I eat and how I eat, but it's something I have to do for me. I got tired of looking at pictures and being disgusted with myself. I got tired of not wanting to look at myself in the mirror. I got tired of thinking that my looks were the only thing holding me back from meeting that special someone. I got tired of thinking that it was something I didn't have any control over. I do have control over it and I am starting to beat it. And it's a bitch, lemme tell you. Work doesn't make it any easier -- soft drinks are $.25 and they have a snack cabinet that's open after 4:30 for anyone to have anything inside of it. Recently, they put chocolate covered rice krispie treats in there. So every day for the last two weeks, I've walked in there at around 5 or so, opened the cabinet, looked in, stared temptation straight in the eye and closed the cabinet back up. I would love to have some chocolate. I would love to be able to eat like I used to. I would love to have just one of those treats. But I won't. It's not that I can't -- I can, but if I did, I'm succumbing, I'm giving in. And I won't do that. That would mean my willpower isn't good enough.
Life, all its trials and tribulations, it's a test of wills. It's a colossal game of mental chicken, but the only real player is you.
Escaping Las Vegas was the same way. When I knew it was time to go, I didn't care that there were a million reasons I shouldn't burn bridges, but there was one good reasons I should -- it gave me the will and drive to do what needed to be done. It's easy to say "Some day I'm going to do this. Some day I'm going to do what's right for me." The hard part is actually doing it. It's looking yourself in the eye and saying "Okay, what do you want?" And the minute you have that answer, you have to take it and run with it like your life depended on it. You can't second-guess it. You can't doubt it. I could've played it safe, kept things running decently at Westwood and then jumped ship when I had the opportunity, and not have told a soul in Vegas until everything was on paper. But I didn't. I didn't want them to think I was trying to screw them over -- leaving Westwood was my decision. It was partially based on my feelings about the company, true, but it was mostly about my desire to get back to San Francisco. And so I did what I had to do -- I willed it to happen.
How do you get willpower? How do you keep it? These are things she asked me, and I tell you what I told her. Willpower is a mark of your own personal strength. And it's often very low. A lot of people don't make simple decisions about what they want for lunch easily, much less life altering decisions. The first thing about getting willpower is that you have to learn to stand by what you do, even if it leads you down the wrong path. Every mistake you make is something you can learn from. Every error is only another tool you can use to teach yourself a little bit more about the world. You cannot let yourself get depressed by making mistakes -- this is the hardest part, even for me. When you screw up, and you will screw up as we all do, you need to dust yourself off and move on. You can't linger on your problem. You can't let your problems get to you. No problem in the world is worth your mental health. And every time I have a problem, I fret and I worry about it, and I replay it over and over in my head, looking for some viable solution, until my willpower clicks back in and reexerts itself. Accept what you cannot change, change that which you can. What you need to remember, though, is that you can change just about anything. Not everything ... but pretty damn close.
Getting willpower is easier than keeping it, though. Anyone can get inspired for a few minutes, start down a path of self-improvement and then drop it like a bad habit not long later. It's the long haul that isn't easy. The way is long and fraught with perils and temptations. And there are times to duck and burn, to cut your losses and get out while you're ahead. Having willpower also means knowing when to turn it off so you don't charge smack into a brick wall. Willpower alone is not enough -- you need wisdom, too.
I know, I know, I'm coming across like a bad Tony Robbins or something, but I'm trying to impart a little bit of wisdom to you without talking about any of the things that I'm having to apply my willpower to now, because they're really none of your business and I don't trust them to you for now. Maybe later. We'll see. Regardless, some people choose to have faith in God. Some people choose to have faith in family. Some people choose to have faith in friends. Some people choose to have faith in fate. Some people choose to have faith in luck. Me, I have my faith in myself, and everything else comes out of there. No matter what goes on, no matter what happens, I'm going to do what I need to do, damned be the consequences or ramifications, damned be the rules and societal norms, damned be what other people have told me and my own personal doubts. Because I made my own decisions, I stuck by them, and the only person who could've changed anything is me.
You can lose weight. You can reinvent yourself. The only person who has any control in your life is you. People around you will do what they want to, but as long as you are happy with who you are, what you're doing and where you're going, then you don't need any more than that. You won't always be happy. You won't always be content. You won't always be at ease. You may find yourself thinking about problems in your spare time. You may find yourself thinking about people in your spare time. You may find yourself questioning your status in life in your spare time. But make a decision on why you're going to do something and stick to it. Stand by your guns. When you think you're strong and it's becoming too easy, tempt yourself, even just a little. If you fail to temptation, kick yourself and start from scratch. If you resist temptation, pat yourself on the back and carry on.
I don't know that I'll ever lose all the weight I want to. I don't know that I'll get to the point where I love doing what I do for a living. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I don't feel alone in the world. I don't know that I'll ever find total happiness. I don't know that I'll ever be wealthy. I don't know that I'll ever find true love. I don't know that I'll ever be famous. I don't know that I'll be remembered after I die. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I am content with more of my life than I am trying to change. But just because I don't know ... doesn't mean I'm not going to try.
Feel free to ask things in the comments. Or just comment there. I'll post more later -- I actually have to go do some work. Back soon.
When I made the decision to lose weight, I set out a bunch of rules for myself and the amount of "infractions" I could let myself have. I allow myself basically two infractions a week, which I generally reserve for the weekends. But, on the whole, I'm eating a lot less, I've almost completely cut caffeine out of my diet, I'm eating better and I'm eating smarter. On top of all of that, I'm starting to try and get a little bit of a workout every few days. I may take up jogging or something soon, if I'm not fencing enough to get a good workout there. Since Joe and Lara's wedding, I've lost almost 30 pounds and it's starting to show. And it's not easy, controlling every moment of every day, watching what I eat and how I eat, but it's something I have to do for me. I got tired of looking at pictures and being disgusted with myself. I got tired of not wanting to look at myself in the mirror. I got tired of thinking that my looks were the only thing holding me back from meeting that special someone. I got tired of thinking that it was something I didn't have any control over. I do have control over it and I am starting to beat it. And it's a bitch, lemme tell you. Work doesn't make it any easier -- soft drinks are $.25 and they have a snack cabinet that's open after 4:30 for anyone to have anything inside of it. Recently, they put chocolate covered rice krispie treats in there. So every day for the last two weeks, I've walked in there at around 5 or so, opened the cabinet, looked in, stared temptation straight in the eye and closed the cabinet back up. I would love to have some chocolate. I would love to be able to eat like I used to. I would love to have just one of those treats. But I won't. It's not that I can't -- I can, but if I did, I'm succumbing, I'm giving in. And I won't do that. That would mean my willpower isn't good enough.
Life, all its trials and tribulations, it's a test of wills. It's a colossal game of mental chicken, but the only real player is you.
Escaping Las Vegas was the same way. When I knew it was time to go, I didn't care that there were a million reasons I shouldn't burn bridges, but there was one good reasons I should -- it gave me the will and drive to do what needed to be done. It's easy to say "Some day I'm going to do this. Some day I'm going to do what's right for me." The hard part is actually doing it. It's looking yourself in the eye and saying "Okay, what do you want?" And the minute you have that answer, you have to take it and run with it like your life depended on it. You can't second-guess it. You can't doubt it. I could've played it safe, kept things running decently at Westwood and then jumped ship when I had the opportunity, and not have told a soul in Vegas until everything was on paper. But I didn't. I didn't want them to think I was trying to screw them over -- leaving Westwood was my decision. It was partially based on my feelings about the company, true, but it was mostly about my desire to get back to San Francisco. And so I did what I had to do -- I willed it to happen.
How do you get willpower? How do you keep it? These are things she asked me, and I tell you what I told her. Willpower is a mark of your own personal strength. And it's often very low. A lot of people don't make simple decisions about what they want for lunch easily, much less life altering decisions. The first thing about getting willpower is that you have to learn to stand by what you do, even if it leads you down the wrong path. Every mistake you make is something you can learn from. Every error is only another tool you can use to teach yourself a little bit more about the world. You cannot let yourself get depressed by making mistakes -- this is the hardest part, even for me. When you screw up, and you will screw up as we all do, you need to dust yourself off and move on. You can't linger on your problem. You can't let your problems get to you. No problem in the world is worth your mental health. And every time I have a problem, I fret and I worry about it, and I replay it over and over in my head, looking for some viable solution, until my willpower clicks back in and reexerts itself. Accept what you cannot change, change that which you can. What you need to remember, though, is that you can change just about anything. Not everything ... but pretty damn close.
Getting willpower is easier than keeping it, though. Anyone can get inspired for a few minutes, start down a path of self-improvement and then drop it like a bad habit not long later. It's the long haul that isn't easy. The way is long and fraught with perils and temptations. And there are times to duck and burn, to cut your losses and get out while you're ahead. Having willpower also means knowing when to turn it off so you don't charge smack into a brick wall. Willpower alone is not enough -- you need wisdom, too.
I know, I know, I'm coming across like a bad Tony Robbins or something, but I'm trying to impart a little bit of wisdom to you without talking about any of the things that I'm having to apply my willpower to now, because they're really none of your business and I don't trust them to you for now. Maybe later. We'll see. Regardless, some people choose to have faith in God. Some people choose to have faith in family. Some people choose to have faith in friends. Some people choose to have faith in fate. Some people choose to have faith in luck. Me, I have my faith in myself, and everything else comes out of there. No matter what goes on, no matter what happens, I'm going to do what I need to do, damned be the consequences or ramifications, damned be the rules and societal norms, damned be what other people have told me and my own personal doubts. Because I made my own decisions, I stuck by them, and the only person who could've changed anything is me.
You can lose weight. You can reinvent yourself. The only person who has any control in your life is you. People around you will do what they want to, but as long as you are happy with who you are, what you're doing and where you're going, then you don't need any more than that. You won't always be happy. You won't always be content. You won't always be at ease. You may find yourself thinking about problems in your spare time. You may find yourself thinking about people in your spare time. You may find yourself questioning your status in life in your spare time. But make a decision on why you're going to do something and stick to it. Stand by your guns. When you think you're strong and it's becoming too easy, tempt yourself, even just a little. If you fail to temptation, kick yourself and start from scratch. If you resist temptation, pat yourself on the back and carry on.
I don't know that I'll ever lose all the weight I want to. I don't know that I'll get to the point where I love doing what I do for a living. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I don't feel alone in the world. I don't know that I'll ever find total happiness. I don't know that I'll ever be wealthy. I don't know that I'll ever find true love. I don't know that I'll ever be famous. I don't know that I'll be remembered after I die. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I am content with more of my life than I am trying to change. But just because I don't know ... doesn't mean I'm not going to try.
Feel free to ask things in the comments. Or just comment there. I'll post more later -- I actually have to go do some work. Back soon.
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