I wrote this in class. And I can't drive home, I think I would crash if I tried. So I need to let people read this. Maybe some understanding will take place.
5/5/03, 7:02pm
I'm having a hard time dealing with life lately. Friends are supposed to support you, right?
You can't answer, why do I even ask?
I told Young I wanted to get my weapns out of my room, because I didn't want to be tempted. Half of me thinks I'm over-reacting. The other half wonders what it would feel like.
I'm worried about myself. But how do you force yourself to do something that you don't want to do? How do you do something to help yourself when you don't know what to do?
All I know is that I don't want to go home. That's bad.
When the sight of your friends makes you want to run far away, I consider that bad too.
And of course, there's the hard fact that I do consider them my friends. And I don't want to lose that friendship. But if I want to kill myself because of it? Then what do you do?
What do you do?
Killing is not an option. I'm not that desperate. At least I hope I'm not. I know I don't want to do anything. But, honestly, no other options come to mind. Well, other options come to mind, but they're none of them things I want to do. They involve never seeing people again, and I would hate that. I just keep thinking that if I'm such a horrible person, why should I even be around?
And I'm lazy. You'd think that'd be a notch in the knife's favor, but me being the actor I am, I'd have to do the dramatic thing, and the dramatic thing is just too much work.
But I can't make how I feel be seen. They don't believe me. They never believed me before, why would they believe me now? I hardly believe myself anymore, even though I know I'm telling the truth. But if my friends say I'm lying, then I must be. How can I have faith in myself when they don't.
It's not all my friends. Not by a long shot. But enough of them seem to. The ones I care about. Hah, I care about them all. But they don't think so. I'm just selfish because I think I care, but I don't.
But when just a few don't believe you, then what do the others really think?
I still don't want to go back to the house. I don't think driving to San Jose is a good option right now. My hands/arms/mind aren't so steady right now.
But I have nowhere else to go...
5/5/03, 7:02pm
I'm having a hard time dealing with life lately. Friends are supposed to support you, right?
You can't answer, why do I even ask?
I told Young I wanted to get my weapns out of my room, because I didn't want to be tempted. Half of me thinks I'm over-reacting. The other half wonders what it would feel like.
I'm worried about myself. But how do you force yourself to do something that you don't want to do? How do you do something to help yourself when you don't know what to do?
All I know is that I don't want to go home. That's bad.
When the sight of your friends makes you want to run far away, I consider that bad too.
And of course, there's the hard fact that I do consider them my friends. And I don't want to lose that friendship. But if I want to kill myself because of it? Then what do you do?
What do you do?
Killing is not an option. I'm not that desperate. At least I hope I'm not. I know I don't want to do anything. But, honestly, no other options come to mind. Well, other options come to mind, but they're none of them things I want to do. They involve never seeing people again, and I would hate that. I just keep thinking that if I'm such a horrible person, why should I even be around?
And I'm lazy. You'd think that'd be a notch in the knife's favor, but me being the actor I am, I'd have to do the dramatic thing, and the dramatic thing is just too much work.
But I can't make how I feel be seen. They don't believe me. They never believed me before, why would they believe me now? I hardly believe myself anymore, even though I know I'm telling the truth. But if my friends say I'm lying, then I must be. How can I have faith in myself when they don't.
It's not all my friends. Not by a long shot. But enough of them seem to. The ones I care about. Hah, I care about them all. But they don't think so. I'm just selfish because I think I care, but I don't.
But when just a few don't believe you, then what do the others really think?
I still don't want to go back to the house. I don't think driving to San Jose is a good option right now. My hands/arms/mind aren't so steady right now.
But I have nowhere else to go...
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